"What drives your behaviour?"

"What drives the/your behaviour?" Is a question that I get asked by my supervisor a lot and also a question as a psych you would ask your client and that would help you drive to the core belief or schema. 

I've been thinking about it a lot tonight and have been getting a lot of insight on my own behaviours more recently... 

So I'm going to sleep on it and it's a TBC 

If I were wearing a mood ring

I wonder what colour Id be right now if I were wearing a mood ring. Probably blue. I'm feeling pretty darn blue right now on account of many things accumulating to this point.

Trying to work it all out right now because I know that things are always worst in our heads and honestly if I ask myself if I was a stranger looking into my life it would probably be a joke that I think I have problems. First world problems. But then each to their own I guess...

I also seem to have difficulty differentiating feeling truly blue versus feeling emotional from that girly time of the month. Tricky stuff. 

I guess right now I'm thinking over things again and trying to sort it all out...

I have learnt also that in life nothing is ever a sure thing. Nothing at all. I'm having doubts and second guessing a lot of things in my life right now and as much as I love stability I have to wonder whether I am sometimes kidding myself about what to expect. I'm trying to sort this mess out... And also I'm trying to sort of what I can and what I can't live without...

Breath

Sometimes life can be so incredibly overwhelming that you feel like you're suffocating, that there seems to be darkness only and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or it's a bare glisten...
In times like these it's important to take a moment to close your eyes, to feel everything around you dissipate for a moment and take a long deep breathe and then sigh it out ever so gently. And repeat... Until you feel a sense of lightness wash over you, even if just for a moment. Hold onto this feeling for it will serve as a reminder that despite the chaos around you there will be an end to it and at one point there will be more lightness and calm.
🙏

Writing mode

Sooo I have tried to avoid thesis writing for as long as possible... Unfortunately no more avoiding as my draft is due in by 19th April :S So for the last two days I have been spending every spare moment trying to piece together a whole lot of information. Right now everything feels so fragmented and I am trying to tell a story from all the information which will ultimately lead to my research study. In my mind it is all there...unfortunately something happens between my mind and the paper and things get lost in translation. I do not remember how I did this two years ago back in Honours...lol I need my writing mojo back or something! Nothing major to report in my life...things have been going generally well although this month I definitely feel more stressed since the year started. I think reality is sinking in...I also realise that I only have about 7 months left of Masters. SO EXCITED TO BE DONE SOON!!! Anyway back to writing...lol I think this post was a bit pointless haha but oh well!

Happiness

Happiness is what I feel everyday :) I am very grateful for the life I have and I am very happy for many things. I'm going to keep this post short and post the 5 things I am happy about/for. So here goes! I am happy: 1. That I am at peace with the person I am and that I feel incredibly comfortable in my own skin and I know exactly who I am (and who I am not!) 2. That I have such a incredibly loving and supportive partner who I share everything with and who makes me want to be the best version of myself, someone who is not only my partner but also my best friend in life <3 3. That I am blessed to have the most amazing friends and family who I can definitely say have contributed to the person I am today and who's guidance and unwavering love and support has helped me overcome the hurdles of life. 4. With my career and that I get so much fulfilment and enjoyment from it - I can honestly say that I cannot imagine doing anything else and even when there are bad days I still want to persevere because I know I am making a difference. 5. That I have the two cutest dogs in the world!!! They are so frickin adorable that I cannot handle it sometimes hahahah Headed out tonight with some of the girls from my Masters course so I am super keen as a jelly bean :D Hope everyone has a lovely long weekend this Easter!

Appreciation

I feel so blessed constantly, to have the most wonderfully supportive friends and great family. Even when I am going through shit and feel like shit I know that someone always has my back.
It helps a lot and sometimes I forget to tell people this but they truly make a difference in my life. Without the support structure I have I don't think I could've made it this far. I know I worked hard to get to where I am but without he encouragement from my friends and family I may not have tried as hard or challenged myself as much.
Right now I am working to resolve the way I internalise my negative emotions. I feel so conflict avoidant and my dad has feb called me a 'coward'. Maybe I am? But I am only human. And if I had the choice over being a coward or a lion I guess I would choose the former. I think this is part of my self sacrificing and subjugation schemas, I would rather let the other person feel better and remain ignorant than truly express and voice my disagreement. This sucks in so many respects because I am left feeling a rage inside of me and resentment builds up inside...
What I've been doing is have a good bitch to my close friends about my issues... Rather than resolving them I've let them carry on. I know I need to make a change. I know I need to address my avoidance and resistance. And that's the hard part... Knowing so.

Striking a balance amidst chaos

I find that most people I know lead incredibly busy and full-on lives, I myself am definitely one of those people who lives by their diary and scheduling. It's not by choice but rather necessity. I find that without scheduling then things just don't happen and everything builds up to crazy chaos. Sometimes I wish I could just burn my diary and live how I want to. I know it can irk a lot of people to have to basically 'book in' in order to see me, I know it really bothers my mother. Sadly it's the way it is...
This year is hopefully the last year I need to have a day by day diary and the last year that I see my friends every 6 months only.
I want to try hard this year to strike up a good work-life balance. I know it will be hard having uni classes, a thesis and placements... But if there's anything I've learnt over the last few years is that we are all incredibly resilient and if we are motivated we can do anything. For me it's the little things like getting myself organised a little bit earlier than I would have, say, 5 years ago. It's about anticipating the end result and being consistent.
So that will be one of my mantras for this year :)