Appreciation

I feel so blessed constantly, to have the most wonderfully supportive friends and great family. Even when I am going through shit and feel like shit I know that someone always has my back.
It helps a lot and sometimes I forget to tell people this but they truly make a difference in my life. Without the support structure I have I don't think I could've made it this far. I know I worked hard to get to where I am but without he encouragement from my friends and family I may not have tried as hard or challenged myself as much.
Right now I am working to resolve the way I internalise my negative emotions. I feel so conflict avoidant and my dad has feb called me a 'coward'. Maybe I am? But I am only human. And if I had the choice over being a coward or a lion I guess I would choose the former. I think this is part of my self sacrificing and subjugation schemas, I would rather let the other person feel better and remain ignorant than truly express and voice my disagreement. This sucks in so many respects because I am left feeling a rage inside of me and resentment builds up inside...
What I've been doing is have a good bitch to my close friends about my issues... Rather than resolving them I've let them carry on. I know I need to make a change. I know I need to address my avoidance and resistance. And that's the hard part... Knowing so.

Striking a balance amidst chaos

I find that most people I know lead incredibly busy and full-on lives, I myself am definitely one of those people who lives by their diary and scheduling. It's not by choice but rather necessity. I find that without scheduling then things just don't happen and everything builds up to crazy chaos. Sometimes I wish I could just burn my diary and live how I want to. I know it can irk a lot of people to have to basically 'book in' in order to see me, I know it really bothers my mother. Sadly it's the way it is...
This year is hopefully the last year I need to have a day by day diary and the last year that I see my friends every 6 months only.
I want to try hard this year to strike up a good work-life balance. I know it will be hard having uni classes, a thesis and placements... But if there's anything I've learnt over the last few years is that we are all incredibly resilient and if we are motivated we can do anything. For me it's the little things like getting myself organised a little bit earlier than I would have, say, 5 years ago. It's about anticipating the end result and being consistent.
So that will be one of my mantras for this year :)

Drain

It's only been 6 weeks since this year begun and already I feel utterly exhausted :( masters is really taking a toll on me, when I'm not off at my placements, I have classes or workshops and then there's the delightful thesis I have to write. Sometimes I wish I could take a time out from the world for 24 hours and not have any contact with anyone. Time to recollect myself.
I just keep telling myself one more year and it's over! Well actually November I should be done so that's in 9.5 months that I will be done... Gotta focus on that for now!